Norms of Human Interaction

I was recently asked in a job interview whether, as someone who has an impressive resumé, I find it frustrating to work with people who aren't as intelligent. There are two levels at which my answer was 'no'. Firstly, equating academic success with intelligence is very problematic to me. It is true that I have seen successes in the last few years which have given me an advantage in many things in life. I have noticed that interviews have become a lot easier and that colleagues at work and peers are a lot more respectful. But I vividly remember a time when I used to work very hard and yet didn't achieve a fraction of the academic success I eventually did. I remember one particular time in Grade 8 when I worked very hard, yet failed to improve my ranking in my class. I remember vividly the Grade 10 'board examinations', where again I worked hard but failed to break into the Top 20 of school. For me to tell myself that the successes that started two years later have made me more 'intelligent' would be a lie. Success or failure is very often a matter of luck and, unfortunately, life is very path-dependent. I wouldn't want to take those successes (and myself) too seriously.

Secondly, intelligence is only one dimension of human achievement. One who is very intelligent would also have much to learn from those who have other talents. As a country, we have unfortunately built a lot of our notions of success around academic and job-related achievements. However, as I have discovered myself, achieving something meaningful requires so much more. Among the things I have found important are inter-personal skills, confidence, dedication and quite honestly just pure intuition.  So-called 'less intelligent' people around me might have a lot to teach me about things that I don't know very much about. I view human beings as a summation of experiences and emotions; by being given a view into another person's experiences, I achieve the distilled version of years of learning from her. No scope for arrogance here!

That conversation and other recent reflection forced me to think about what are the values that I seek to maintain as I interact with the world around me. This exercise is obviously post-facto — I look back at my history and try to find a common thread. Then I believe that the common thread is both the representative one and the desirable one and thus worthy of further emulation. That intellectualising done, I came up with two norms that I really value. Empathy and humility.

My thinking around humility is very similar to what I wrote earlier. In short — too much to be, too little time; therefore acknowledge the limitations of my own learning and try to learn from others because everyone will have much to teach me. The second trait of empathy is one that has resonated with me for much longer. The most obvious manifestation of that norm is my inability to say 'no' to people around me. I keep seeking a compromise till I figure out that there is none. I also act as if it is my duty to be as helpful as I can. At points in the past, that notion has stretched me too far. I got trapped in this unhelpful mentality where I was doing things for the other person. That strategy has its merits — and limitations. There were moments when I tended to play Godfather. That thinking has its time; certainly one that I hope not to revisit. I now seek to be far more constructive in how I help people and avoid the kind of dependence I encouraged earlier. More importantly, I am trying to shed some of my earlier inhibitions about asking for help. I believe all of us can become far more efficient if we ask the right people. The dreaded word 'networking' has now become more palatable when I mixed it with this expanded notion of empathy.

These two norms have come to characterise how I perceive my interaction with people. I have given it this much thought and attention because, as my near and dear ones know well, interacting with people doesn't come very naturally to me. My class teacher in Grade 3 asked my parents during a PTA if I had a speaking disability — that's how shy I used to be. I didn't have any friends in my locality from Grades 7 to 12; therefore, my entire day after returning from school would be spent on the computer, with books or preparing for the next debate. College was an unleashing of sorts, but one where I struggled with some aspects of how I interacted with people. Oxford, after a short crisis at the beginning, was a process of stabilisation and reflection. The objective behind this post is to share this aspect of my journey with people, with the added benefit being that I may be held accountable when found in violation of these norms.

Please do share any reactions either as a comment here or as a private message. In particular, if there have been times when I have interacted with you and you have thought that it would have been better had I behaved differently, I would really appreciate if you share that with me. Thanks for reading and have a good evening!