Humilty

I have recently been in a long-drawn unpleasant experience. For weeks, I tried to be extremely understanding. My patience was tested, and at times I experienced my body giving me very evident signs of stress that I tried to hide. Finally, one fine day, I let it out as verbal aggression towards another person. Things have improved since then, and I find this individual's behaviour towards me having become much better. I have since then returned to my old peaceful ways.

I have been thinking lately about humility, and found my dilemma analogous to this situation. Till what point do I try to be humble, and at what point do I crack the whip and use arrogance (or at least high-self esteem) as a tool to discipline my world? Humility, in my experinece, is one of the most valued traits people want to see. The esteem in which humble and successful people are held is amazing. I have sometimes craved for that kind of adulation, creating a perverse incentive within me to display humility that I don't really feel within. As I find my feet in the world, that tendency has thankfully been going away.

But my initial dilemma remains. I like to differentiate between public and private humility. Private humility is what one experiences in the conversation one has to have with oneself. To me, this aspect of humility is absolutely necessary. I have found that arrogance breeds a tendency for self-preservation; and therefore stagnation. Arrogance is status quo-ist. Humility, by keeping me on my toes, makes me look for avenues to grow. Very important, also, is humility towards one's past. I have seen around me people who show condescension towards how they were in the past - the way they looked, talked, behaved, etc. However, I find this pointless, and perhaps a bit damaging. At the end of the day, it is the hard work of that "past I" that brought me here; that "past I" has achieved more than the present I has, and therefore deserves respect. Internally, I find peace in reminding myself that I am only a reflection of the "past I"'s, which itself is a reflection of other people - friends, families, peers, teachers, situations etc. The more I think about it, the more I realise how much my inner values are shaped by my parents, especially my father. I realise how much my external relations are shaped by my mother's relation with me, and my friends' unflinching love for me. From the Sanskrit teacher in Grade 8 who talked about the benefits of breathing through the nose to the English teacher in Grade 5 whose pronunciation of my name I have now retained - it is only over time that someone's influence becomes clearer. It is disarming, and comforting, to know that very little of who I am has anything to do with me.

Humility externally is the bigger struggle. Arrogance is often useful to establish presence or to demand respect. However, the more I think about it, the more I find 'success' to be found not in being a leader, but in either being a follower or finding followers. Teams, and not people, are what create success. And for this purpose, humility is what helps forge teams. A willingness to acknowledge mistakes, and to go the extra mile to make teams work. And then, external and internal humilty creates harmony in life that'll probably make you happier. At times in life, I have found myself so split between internal humility and external arrogance - and that is something I'd rather avoid. Of course, given the stage of life I am at, I know very little about what works and what doesn't. Some day, hopefully, when I will be genuinely successful, I will have a more developed point of view about this.

Till then, if you're reading this and have an opinion you feelI could benefit from, feel free to email, WhatsApp, message, whatver.